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Lyrical Analysis of...
Hell In Existence
- I've been dormant, haven't wrote since
- I was alone in the cold. Since,
- I was 18 years old, shit.
- Just hopin' that I'd find hope is
- It real or a hoax wished
- I could hold it with closed fists
- For eternal moments, and never open to let go of it.
- But, the older I grow I sense I will not get ahold of shit.
- Listen close, my hardships holds it grip.
- And I know I've only told of bits.
- But my hopelessness just grows it's wit
- Doesn't leave me unnoticed the older I get.
- My Father died 55 years old, it was Father's day.
- Tossed in a grave, and I'm sorry was all I could say.
- As I pause the tape, and relive that awful day.
- I realize all I brought was pain
- Bmasterz last words to his Father, cast hurt
- "Hate you! I hate you, Ed. I'm going far away.
- Hope you die in an awful way cause of my agonizing pain"
- Called him by his name, gave him all the blame
- Cause I was an awful untamed, I've got problems man.
- My face getting red, his face filled with dread.
- Words laced with messed up phrases I let
- Go. Tainted with hatred, regret.
- "I love you, son."
- As I packed my bags,"Bye Dad, I'm glad I'm leaving, believe in that!"
- Weeks, didn't talk to him after.
- Sleeping on my mattress after taking pills in the bathroom.
- Window started crackin' with fists, words lashing,"Brandon something has happened!"
- I woke up in a daze, drugs had me in a daze.
- Tugged the door by it's frame, mom's cheeks were pink and stained.
- "You're Father passed, he died today."
- Slammed the door shut with force, fuck.
- Fell to my knees in hurt, crushed.
- Pain coursed up, mind numb unsure of.
- "Is this happening?"
- No! Of course not. It's these purple drugs, but I had poor luck.
- Feeling like the worst son in the world, worst person born on the Earths crust.
- I went months without talking, months without talking.
- It's been years feeling off it's...
- My life. I cried at night, and the night after. "God why?!"
- When he died, I died. I can't rewind time
- And catch the sight of him one last divine time.
- I caught sight of him outside of his casket, dead body in sight
- Me, an addict, looked at him in the coffin he lied.
- He laid stiff and frozen. I lie at night choked up, sick, and broken.
- This happened, not a sick joke. I'm not joking.
- His laugh, jokes, wit, craftiness. I will never let go of it.
- People say to get over it
- But I don't have a bridge to get over this.
- Depression settings, it's been sitting, upsets me
- Regressing, letting me know I wrecked him.
- I'm a worthless infection, with no purpose, no message.
- Everybody left since he left. Sit
- In my room and talk to myself
- Feeling nothing but still feeling hell.
- Spirits crushed, no strength to lift myself.
- Reclining mental health, been years since I've been feeling well.
- That day fucking kills me still.
- Other problems I've caught when I still wanted to kill me here.
- Bmasterz, why haven't you recorded?
- Cause my personal life has left me cursed with
- No inspiration or words to fit how I feel worthless.
- No matter how many words, verses I spit.
- Just want to be in a hearse or sent
- Burning in an oven burnt to crisps.
- Bmasterz to ashes, blood in me courses with
- No spirit or soul, I'm sure I've quit.
- Been broke, homeless, hungry, no bed to lay my head on
- At the end of my rope, feeling like I need to head home.
- To the place where my dad's soul went, my life has no motion
- Silence, but commotion when I'm closing my eyelids.
- Hoping I'm dying, sulking, crying, emotions piling
- Coasting through life with
- Burdens, no why to why I'm alive. Choking on my
- Life's moments, realizing I know this
- Emptiness won't be filled again.
- Pen full of ink but not revealing it
- I write a lot, but I'm not in the right mind to talk
- Nor had the time to chalk up my life to y'all.
- Mental illness revealing B's finished with the pen
- But still feeling like pinnin' my feelings, my intents, my memories.
- I'm sickened. My history is ill with my will to be unwilling to be living.
- Simmerin' while sinnin', demons spilling evil ideas spinning.
- See, I remember when I reached in my little kit.
- Of knifes, lifted a sharpened blade to my wrists again
- Just sitting not wanting to feel again.
- Blood dripping minds numbing, with my life running to a different existence.
- I'm not well. My thoughts, I just run from them.
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