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Lyrical Analysis of...

Hell In Existence

  1. I've been dormant, haven't wrote since
  2. I was alone in the cold. Since,
  3. I was 18 years old, shit.
  4. Just hopin' that I'd find hope is
  5. It real or a hoax wished
  6. I could hold it with closed fists
  7. For eternal moments, and never open to let go of it.
  8. But, the older I grow I sense I will not get ahold of shit.
  9. Listen close, my hardships holds it grip.
  10. And I know I've only told of bits.
  11. But my hopelessness just grows it's wit
  12. Doesn't leave me unnoticed the older I get.
  13. My Father died 55 years old, it was Father's day.
  14. Tossed in a grave, and I'm sorry was all I could say.
  15. As I pause the tape, and relive that awful day.
  16. I realize all I brought was pain
  17. Bmasterz last words to his Father, cast hurt
  18. "Hate you! I hate you, Ed. I'm going far away.
  19. Hope you die in an awful way cause of my agonizing pain"
  20. Called him by his name, gave him all the blame
  21. Cause I was an awful untamed, I've got problems man.
  22. My face getting red, his face filled with dread.
  23. Words laced with messed up phrases I let
  24. Go. Tainted with hatred, regret.
  25. "I love you, son."
  26. As I packed my bags,"Bye Dad, I'm glad I'm leaving, believe in that!"
  27. Weeks, didn't talk to him after.
  28. Sleeping on my mattress after taking pills in the bathroom.
  29. Window started crackin' with fists, words lashing,"Brandon something has happened!"
  30. I woke up in a daze, drugs had me in a daze.
  31. Tugged the door by it's frame, mom's cheeks were pink and stained.
  32. "You're Father passed, he died today."
  33. Slammed the door shut with force, fuck.
  34. Fell to my knees in hurt, crushed.
  35. Pain coursed up, mind numb unsure of.
  36. "Is this happening?"
  37. No! Of course not. It's these purple drugs, but I had poor luck.
  38. Feeling like the worst son in the world, worst person born on the Earths crust.
  39. I went months without talking, months without talking.
  40. It's been years feeling off it's...
  41. My life. I cried at night, and the night after. "God why?!"
  42. When he died, I died. I can't rewind time
  43. And catch the sight of him one last divine time.
  44. I caught sight of him outside of his casket, dead body in sight
  45. Me, an addict, looked at him in the coffin he lied.
  46. He laid stiff and frozen. I lie at night choked up, sick, and broken.
  47. This happened, not a sick joke. I'm not joking.
  48. His laugh, jokes, wit, craftiness. I will never let go of it.
  49. People say to get over it
  50. But I don't have a bridge to get over this.
  51. Depression settings, it's been sitting, upsets me
  52. Regressing, letting me know I wrecked him.
  53. I'm a worthless infection, with no purpose, no message.
  54. Everybody left since he left. Sit
  55. In my room and talk to myself
  56. Feeling nothing but still feeling hell.
  57. Spirits crushed, no strength to lift myself.
  58. Reclining mental health, been years since I've been feeling well.
  59. That day fucking kills me still.
  60. Other problems I've caught when I still wanted to kill me here.
  61. Bmasterz, why haven't you recorded?
  62. Cause my personal life has left me cursed with
  63. No inspiration or words to fit how I feel worthless.
  64. No matter how many words, verses I spit.
  65. Just want to be in a hearse or sent
  66. Burning in an oven burnt to crisps.
  67. Bmasterz to ashes, blood in me courses with
  68. No spirit or soul, I'm sure I've quit.
  69. Been broke, homeless, hungry, no bed to lay my head on
  70. At the end of my rope, feeling like I need to head home.
  71. To the place where my dad's soul went, my life has no motion
  72. Silence, but commotion when I'm closing my eyelids.
  73. Hoping I'm dying, sulking, crying, emotions piling
  74. Coasting through life with
  75. Burdens, no why to why I'm alive. Choking on my
  76. Life's moments, realizing I know this
  77. Emptiness won't be filled again.
  78. Pen full of ink but not revealing it
  79. I write a lot, but I'm not in the right mind to talk
  80. Nor had the time to chalk up my life to y'all.
  81. Mental illness revealing B's finished with the pen
  82. But still feeling like pinnin' my feelings, my intents, my memories.
  83. I'm sickened. My history is ill with my will to be unwilling to be living.
  84. Simmerin' while sinnin', demons spilling evil ideas spinning.
  85. See, I remember when I reached in my little kit.
  86. Of knifes, lifted a sharpened blade to my wrists again
  87. Just sitting not wanting to feel again.
  88. Blood dripping minds numbing, with my life running to a different existence.
  89. I'm not well. My thoughts, I just run from them.

Lyrics added by Eon

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