Internal/External

I've been slowing down all these years no time for tears

but all that has come upon me has been the product of my fears

I find I'm riding out my days regularly weary

finding out that so much is lost this way almost yearly

this is the stone reality though, though it go

the sun's going to shine but the sun's going to go low

and it gnaws at my voiceless guts for all that I've lost

through all my choices I never considered the possible cost

that just with bad planning, and time allotment flawed

I now drink at bars while families pass plates across table cloths

a rush of pain always hits, sometimes rage sometimes sadness

I know I hold the reins come time to face the madness

but let's not be so opaque, here's the clarity of the situation

I prized other things than family and then in their desperation

they fled me, sought out other sources of love and affection

and now I'm left with the cooling embers of their rejection

It makes you look at yourself at the self you have hidden

somewhere along the way you take for granted the blessing given

now you run the full spectrum of feelings around abrupt separation

it is mix of emotions that seem to collide in a sickening sensation

stomach tied in knots so that everything else loses fascination

don't tell me your thuggish ways are more masculine in machination

the days become gray, all dirty cobwebs and overflowing ashtrays

losing yourself in the memories and then realizing they wont stay

so you drown it all out with vices and other devices

hoping that the momentary warmth will give a break that's priceless

I got to change this script because the loss is irretrievable

and find a way to flip this pain and to toss the inconceivable

because at some point not too distant it will all come to an end for me

my bones mouldering in my grave nothing left there but a memory