Breathe

When I was a girl I thought I had nothing,

No hope for what I would do when I could

get the chance to get out in the world to make myself something

Told myself that being alone wasn't that bad,

That fake friends fake words was all the other kids had

I told myself that I managed, I was tolerated

That following rules made my existence substantiated

That getting good grades meant that I was validated

That other people were just too damn complicated

And I would read books to bide my time and just dream

Of a place where I could just be and just breathe

 

I ran away, flew so high above reality

Lost sense of what was left of my personality

Being true to yourself was for people who had worth

As far as I knew, everyone else should come first

And thats how I chose to live my life

Someone's sister or daughter till I was someone's wife

Because if during the day, I could get someone to see me

as normal, then at night I could let go and just breathe

 

Fast forward and it seems like talking is getting harder

Every conversation and I'm just a lamb for slaughter

Because my mind feel's like its going a mile a minute

But it's missing that key to working right, its not in it

Try to survive, emulate the people around me

I hate every moment but I need something to ground me

I'll learn the right things to say, the right thing to be

And at night I can scream and cry and just breathe.

 

But maybe there's just too much that's wrong

Maybe there's never be a place where I belong

I find a guy, make myself someone he wants to own

So at least if I die lost in my thoughts, I'm not alone

Three years I live for him, ride or die

Never spoke for myself, and no one asked me why

Truth was I just needed a reason to live and see

He gave me that, even if I wasn't free to breathe

 

But it all came down to me in the end

I was without a soul a heart a mind a friend

I left my love buried in the ground

Felt the world I had built come crashing down

All the hatred I built over 19 years, screaming

Bitch cunt fat whore fucking queer

I let the words run through me once free

I didn't chain them up, I just let them fuckin breathe

 

Being empty is a remarkable thing

Because whats let then you're at the bottom is fucking everything

My motivation was to live life like there's no fucking heaven

Cuz heaven's for hetero's and oops, guess I ain't one of em

So it's back to page one, can't sit still, feels like my nerves

Are on fire with missing actions and unspoken words

Cause the planet is fucking immense, and I can't stay shy

Like I don't have a million things to see and do before I die

 

My legacy, a thing that will live only for two or three generations

before it dies. But a legacy can live on in the earth, in the particles you move

and the thoughts that you think before you sink into ashes. And on my

dying breath will be words meant only for myself, and they will be free.